Knowing that you are losing (but have not yet lost) a loved one (human or pet) is difficult. I'm very lucky to have had Rainbow with me now for 20 years. Twice in her life a Vet has wanted to put her to sleep but I said "no." And she got better and was fine. Several years ago she could no longer Jump up places except to the lowest of things like my couch. I got out the "handi-cap ramps" I had made for a long-gone cat. One up to my bed, the other up to the kitchen counter.
A couple of years ago she started walking with a noticably stiff "gait." But she didn't cry, and she still got around. Even up and down the stairs to the mud room where the litter box was. But last year, the stairs became too much for her and I put in another litter box in the back -- unused -- bedroom on this floor. That worked wonderfully.
She's been pretty good even up through her birthday last week. She still has a good appetite, grooms herself, makes it to the box, and likes to play.
Two days ago she started (besides the stiff-legged gait) limping, almost with her hind legs "splayed." You often see, in older dogs, loss of control over the hind-quarters. I've never seen it in a cat but than I've never had one that lived this long.
I'd like to convince myself that she must have simply sprained something -- common at elderly ages (Ghod knows I KNOW.) But I think there's something worse going on -- although how could it so suddenly happen almost "over night?"
I know that her end is near. She's not crying in pain or anything, thank the Lord, but I know that she will probably not see 21. In fact, if the deterioration is this quick, she might not see the Summer.
Damn. I'm sure you all know the fear and feeling of hopelessness. I'm smothering her with extra love yet I'm almost avoiding eye contact so she won't see how afraid I am over the situation.
She's too old for any kind of surgery, and her hips are "skinny" compared to the rest of her. I have to start adjusting to the fact that she is not long for this Earth. Hopefully, well, I've always hoped she would simply "go" peacefully in her sleep one night curled up next to me. I pray for that after I pray for God to grant her a few more years with me.
Of course, at 20-years-old she and I have nothing to gripe about. I wish I had a room-mate or lover who could stay home with her during the day when I'm at work. But the truth of the matter is that about 20 years ago I decided that I'd really rather just share my digs, my life, and my love with cats. And if I ever have my own home, there will be a pile of dogs around as well. Let's face it, animals are just better company. And I hate to see company go.
Posted by Jeff Soyer at April 12, 2004 07:20 PMI wish there was something I could say, Jeff. I hope God takes her peacefully and without pain. If she's your cat, I know she's led a good life. You need to do something to acknowledge what she already knows. She may be a cat, but she needs to be assured that it's okay for her to go when she's called. I went through this with a childhood friend of mine when he was dying of kidney failure. The last time we talked before he died, I asked him if everything was going all right. He said that he knew it wasn't going to be much longer, but he still asked me if it was okay for him to die. I told him that when God called him I couldn't argue, so it was okay for him to go. I drove back to my home in the burbs from Springfield, and a few days later I got a call from my dad letting me know my friend died in his sleep. He'd told his mom he'd gotten everything out of the way with his friends, and that his "big brother" (that's what he called me since I'm 8 years older than him) was going to take care of everything from here on out. So, let Rainbow know that she can go when it's her time. It's going to hurt like hell, but at least you'll both know that you've gotten things squared away.
Posted by: Jason Hinds at April 12, 2004 09:28 PMSome religions maintain that cats and dogs don't go to Heaven. If there is one, I believe they do. And I've told Rainbow that when she gets there, to please wait for me.
Posted by: Jeff Soyer at April 12, 2004 10:20 PMI also believe they do. They wait here though:
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.
All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.
They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.
You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.
Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....
Over the years we have lost some of our furry little friends. None were easy to see go and I hate the thought of losing our present housemates.
I try not to think about it too much.
There are some really good people on the about.com cat forum that may have some insights
on your current situation. I didn't think anything would dull the pain after NotTommy died in my arms but the out pouring of support from total strangers , the understanding and kindness so many offered to us was amazing.
Sorry for the babbling.....
http://forums.about.com/ab-cats/messages?msg=5006.1
Posted by: Sean at April 13, 2004 12:43 AMI met a lady here in Hilo with a very elderly dog. She wasnt sure when she should..."do the deed" I said when she (the dog) no longer takes joy in being a dog... I had a twenty plus year old cat and the day we let Smokey go to God was a good day for her. She no longer wanted to be a cat. She didnt care to live anymore... I know how it feels and my thoughts are with you.
Posted by: DancingRainGirl at April 13, 2004 05:15 AMThanks to all of you. I'm starting to think (hope) that maybe this lastest incident is a bad sprain. It happened so suddenly, almost overnight. And she is now limping, favoring one hind foot. She's not indicating any pain though and still trys to get around (although I've tried to carry her to where she wants to go, when I'm around.)
The "splaying" of the legs is disturbing though and she has trouble even on the "handi-cap ramps." I've taken down the one to the kitchen counter since if she slips off the counter walking past the sink, it's a 3 1/2 foot drop. She has stumbled off in the recent past.
Oh well, whether I have another month or another (please!) year with her, I've given her a good comfortable home and she's never gone hungry. She's had a good long life.
Posted by: Jeff Soyer at April 14, 2004 10:51 AMWhen Attila died, I didn't know until after I completed Basic Training and I had to ask my mother as she was wiating to tell me. He was only 11, but he still had a good life. My mother had him cremated, but didn't keep the ashes and I would have wanted them as he was my baby, named after one of my favorite ancient warlords.
I was hoping to meet Rainbow, but 20 is a long life for cats. In fact, rainbow is a Strom Thurmond of cats, so cherish your next few months. I was away when my cat and my sister's cat died, and I still miss them.
Posted by: Green Baron at April 16, 2004 02:03 AM